DOES TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS?

 "I lost my only daughter in January, 2020. It's been over two years, however, I am yet to let go of the grief. I learnt that time heals all wounds, but my heart still races each time I open the door to her room and every time I go to our courtyard–her favourite spot. Am I okay?"- Mrs A.

I have personally faced the challenges of grief, just as Mrs. A is currently enduring. However, it is important to note that this piece is not about me; it is about Mrs. A and everyone who is navigating the difficult journey of grief.

Let's talk about GRIEF, shall we?

Lily Tomlin when questioned about his take on the phrase time heals all wounds said, "tragedy plus time equals comedy."

Tomlin is right, yes. Sometimes, we stare vaguely into the sky, ruminate over certain past hard or painful situations in life and now laugh about them. But the main point is that time is just a concept used to measure seconds, minutes, hours,..., years. Time is not a healer.

It is quite understandable that the gravity of our pain could lighten that we could feel lesser pain as days graduate into years. But could time account for this? NO. It is inner work coupled with courage and honesty that could.

THREE THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT GRIEF/GRIEVING AND HEALING

#1 GRIEF IS A HEALING PROCESS

Grief is a natural, an unlearned, and often a distinctive healing process. 

°Grief as a natural and an unlearned healing process:The human condition invites the full range of emotions, from love, joy, awe and happiness, to sorrow and grief. Grief, an unpopular emotion that many of us try to avoid, is a form of love. One of life’s hardest experiences is the loss of someone or something we love dearly.

As we age, we are exposed to multiple losses, such as the loss of a home, the loss of our health, job, family roles, and the loss of people our age to illness and death. Our losses can affect us deeply. How we cope with these losses often determines our quality of life.

Isabel Stenzel said, "To grieve means recognizing what has been lost, naming what has been lost, acknowledging the consequences of these losses, and finding resources inside of ourselves and in our environment to deal with these changes. Growing from grief means finding the deeper meaning from a difficult loss. Growth from grief means recognizing what we have learned from this experience."

°Grief as a distinctive healing process: The threshold of grief differs in persons just like any other form of human emotions. Have you ever wondered why you break a great news to someone, and their reaction seems less cheerful than is expected of them? Well, it might not be as you think. They might actually be delighted upon hearing the news, but are prone to give less energetic responses to things. That is how they are made.

While Mrs A's pain could measure 8 on a numerical scale of 1-10, another Mrs B might feel lesser pain and fall below 3. This is more reason why comparison should not be made while helping people to heal.

#2 HEALING AND LETTING GO

When it come to loss, letting go is usually a long-term process with many, many layers. When we lose a beloved, we tend to fall more in love with them; their smile, their smell, their voice, et al, and thus making it quite difficult to let go of the pain of losing them.

Trying to forcefully forget them could be so traumatic, and so, it is advisable to accept the reality about grief; that grieving is a form of love, and that it is part of human nature.

We do not have to be hard on ourself, but rather, we should pay more attention to what it is we really crave about them; wear their clothes if you want to, check and recheck their pictures, make their favourite dishes, do they have a favourite activity? DO IT!

Moving on is almost impossible, but we can lessen the grief by accepting the reality about grief until we feel more structured and strengthened inside of ourself.

#3 SEEKING HELP

It is quite uncommon for people grieving to seek help chiefly because of the judgmental nature of humans; the fear of being judged for being unable to easily let go grips a lot of people. Therefore, it can be very helpful to meet with a professional or some other person completely unrelated to the situation who can provide a safe and comfortable place, a non judgmental stance, and an empathic perspective.

We are social animals. John Dunne said, "No man is an island." And so, in times of loss and mourning, we need to be able to rely on the kindness and compassion of others.

May we heal from whatever that is eating us up.

Thank you for reading.❣️

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