TO BE A GIRL AGAIN

 

Welcome back!

I did miss you. 🥺❤️

This is a #featuredpost and our distinguished guest, Ore-Ofe Oguntola (Cowry god), would be taking us through the rollercoasters of her life.

Enjoy!

TO BE A GIRL AGAIN- ORE OFE OGUNTOLA (COWRY GOD)

I used to explain many things before, these days, I find myself having both deep and surface knowledge of everything yet I find it difficult to explain myself, and when asked, I tell people it is personal. I am gradually losing emotional attachment towards everyone and everything, it feels like I have gotten myself to the middle of a sea and I can't go back, I either swim or die. The feeling is mixed, I have joy that I have achieved all I wanted to achieve five years ago, and my new aims and objectives seem tough but I know they are achievable, yet a feeling of in-depth pain and loneliness accompanies me because I am still twelve years old.

He was my best friend, I was 12 when he died, and till today, all I have sought in every of my relationship is to be treated like a 12-year-old. He was my father, I just want to be a girl again. At 17, I became a mother, though young, I have successfully mothered my son for five years and I am doing better than many mothers I know, deep down in my heart, I want to be a teenager again and enjoy the frivolities of teenagehood that I should have enjoyed before I became a mother. 

When I like you, and truly respect you, the first thing I have to do is keep my distance from you so I don't hurt you, because I love possessively, I love like a child, I love immaturely, I love stupidly, I will choke you, you will get tired and run away, I will fuck with your mental health and fuck with mine too, then I will move on to the next available man. Isn't that what you will do to me too? That is what we all do, we fuck with each other's mental health and we call it love. Know today, that no one was created for your personal consumption, stop personalising animate objects most especially humans. 

I am learning to let go of the frivolities I didn't enjoy because those who enjoyed it aren't doing great as I am in many aspects of my life, that I should be grateful for but indeed, I still want to be a girl, I didn't like that I matured too early; I crave the days I was silly.

He didn't show up, I laboured for five days, my mum called him repeatedly, he never came, the son I birthed for him will be five years in a month time, he has never met his father, I have done all I could, my mother had gone extra miles but he doesn't want me neither does he want the child. I used to be very mad at him, but today, as I write, I am writing from deep knowledge. If I were him, I wouldn't want me either. I was brought up like every African girl was, taught to clean the house and cook but not taught leadership qualities that will make me stand firm in the face of tribulations, I was taught to run to an invisible being called God when I face battles, I wasn't taught logical reasoning. I was taught speaking good English meant being smart, I was taught passing my exams meant being successful but I was not taught that street smart beats book smart hands down until I got into the street; if I were Jackson, I wouldn't settle for a girl like me. He paid for my hair, he fed me, he cleaned, he cooked, he provided and I was just there taking his money, not adding value to the table, not questioning where a 200level boy got all the money from. Ohhhhhhhhhh if I were Jackson, I wouldn't settle for a mediocre, I wouldn't settle for a woman that doesn't even know the meaning of her name, I wouldn't settle for a girl that shrinks in the face of trials, I wouldn't settle for a girl that couldn't make decisions on her own.

I have spent the last five years making sure I don't just walk through anyone's life without positive impact, I try my best possible to leave a positive footprint in everyone's life, even if it is material things I give to you, it will be one you can't get rid of, I have built myself, I have walked and worked and I am still walking but what saddens me is that I feel very lonely as my soul longs for companionship. He is still not back. And I am ready to let go of the thought of ever seeing him again. I have dated, I am dating, it is not working, I have met the rich, I have met the poor, I have met the middle class, I have sat with the greatest of men on the same table having positive conversation relating to money and growth not relating to my pussy, but I still feel lonely because no one is treating me like a12-year-oldd.

As I move close to my 23rd year, I wish the hands of the clock could stop, I don't want to grow, for as I grow, much is expected of me, I do have a lot to give, but I want to be a child, even for 24 hours; take me to amusement parks, call me Oreofe my baby girl, beat me when I fight someone, buy me that 300naira ice cream that my son will never accept from me because he prefers Coldstone. Buy me toys and teddies, bathe me, make my bed, rock me to sleep as you tell me moonlight tales of Tortoise like my father used to, and I shall call you my rock. 24hours is all I ask and I shall be satisfied. Take me back to that year when I jumped for joy because I got ten over ten in English compositions, take me back to that year when I did tens and units, take me back to that year when I walk about pantless but unashamed, take me back to that year when I ate biscuits as if it was the reason for my existence, take me back to that year when my white socks turned to gold before I got to school.

I want to be small again, I want to be little, do for me all that I do to my son and I will value you for life.

But you can't, no one will, because we all have our shit going on, no one has time to babysit an adult. As my son turns five, I put a stop to the yearly telling stories of his birth, I am healed now, if I can be repeatedly excellent at it for five years, I am sure I can be for the rest of my life, motherhood is a lifetime calling, I know. And as I turn 23, I hope I find he that will make me feel like a 12-year-old for 24hours and my healing process shall be complete. And if I do not find it, I shall keep being wonderful as a mother, Cowry artist, Actress, Radio Presenter and Writer. I do fear meeting that person gan, I hope he understands life as a father does. What if he doesn't? What if he has challenges too? What if I can't give him what he wants? What if he doesn't find peace with me? Abi I should just stay away and stop raising my hopes?

 *OREOFE OGUNTOLA* 

 *COWRY GOD*

Kindly drop a comment as Ore-Ofe would be in the comment box.

Thank you!